The Poncho Chronicles I: The Beans

Hello everypony. I am the Critique.

 

Sometimes there are groups of ponies that can give you ideas on where to begin your search for crappy stories. After having a discussion with another young writer, I’ve found a new story that I can rip into and dear lord is it awful. This one is a special kind of awful with unlikable characters, a plot that doesn’t make a lick of sense and plot holes King Kong could fit through.

 

But let’s not waste any more time, let’s dig into The Poncho Chronicles I: The Beans by BRyeMC

 

On a relaxing day in August,

 

Bored already…

 

So, apparently the main character Poncho and his friends are on a bus ride back home from a football game in … Seaddle? Is that pronounced Sea Dull? Is it a play on word of saddle and Seattle? I am assuming so, since the football team is named the Seacawks. … The Seacawks? The Seacawks?! Really?! You just gave ponies an easy way for them to make fun of your story as immature as it may be! And keep in mind, I’m not even done with the first paragraph yet!

We then get some information about Poncho and learn that he is a good friend and a comical one. (Which is funny because he has not one funny line in this whole damn thing, so that was utterly pointless). Also, his cutie mark seems to be a couch with a game controller and a bag of chips. So I guess that makes his special talent looking like this guy…

 

 

 

So I guess he’s good friends with Twilight Sparkle and the group, although it is never explained why, it just kind of is. The group says that they are in Seaddle to do research for Twilight. What kind of research you ask? Well, it’s… um… I have no idea. The story doesn’t make that clear to us and we have no idea why Twilight and the others are there. Oh, right. Now I remember why they are there, because the author wants them to be there. Yeah, stories don’t work that way.

 

Also, a spell was casted on everypony that made their wings and horns completely useless and their personalities shifted in case the author messed up their personalities… Wait what?!

 

Are you fucking serious?! Are you out of your fucking mind?! We are not even 500 words in and already I hate this story! That’s a record dude! I think this is a brand spanking new record about how stupid this story already is! Congratulations! I didn’t think it was possible, but you did it! I mean, why would you actually explain how the hell this would have happened and the fact that the wings of a Pegasus couldn’t work! A unicorn I could at least understand! In the story where they first meet Zecora, Twilight’s horn was poisoned so that it couldn’t work! It probably interrupted her magic, but what about Pegasi wings?!

 

They’re not like a spell that somepony casts, it’s a fucking limb! That would be like casting a spell to make your arm or leg or even mouth stop working! It makes no fucking sense! What did you decide that making this spooky slasher story with characters that can use wings was too hard, so you had to make up some bull shit about this!

 

And the personality thing?! What the fuck is up with that?! Did you decide that you weren’t going to watch the show so you made up this bull shit about their personalities mysteriously being changed to suit your needs! Your vision of how you perceive them! Well, I’ve got to tell you! You failed! You failed miserably! All hail to the king of fail!

 

 

 

I should just stop the review right there! First 500 words and already I want to strangle a puppy! Pray for Armageddon everypony, we still have 22000 words of this shit!

 

So, the bus drives along and everypony on it is surprisingly bitchy. With Spike being the absolute worst I’ve ever seen him portrayed in a story. Just look at this dialogue.

 

“I’ve got the fucking munchies, so we’re stopping,” said Twilight’s dragon friend, Spike.

 

“Spike, that’s not n—” began Applejack.

 

“Shut up. No one cares Applejack,” retorted Spike

 

What is with the Applejack hatred everypony?! This is completely unjustified and comes the fuck out of nowhere?! Yes, there is supposed to be some magic that changes the character’s personality, but makes this scene even more stupid!

 

They come across a town which is comprised of drug dealers, hookers and gangsters. Yeah, because that’s a great place to bring a gathering of kids. Anyway ,the bus driver tells them to be back in thirty minutes or they are leaving them behind.

 

We then get introduced to Clyde who is the group’s “true point guard”. They say he’s a friend who is always there for pony, except for the fact that he agrees with the bus driver about leaving ponies behind if they don’t make it back to the bus in time. Leaving me to think he’s a liar, liar, and his pants are on fire.

 

The group splits up, traveling in pairs with Poncho going off on his own, which the narration points out is pretty damn stupid. Hey, narrator, pointing out stupid things ponies do is my thing! If I let you do it, then I’d be out of a job! Which at this point wouldn’t be so bad.

Rainbow Dash and another pony named Tyrone go to a convenient store in the hopes of finding some food.

 

Rainbow Dash, what choo gettin’?”

 

Gesundheit… What? Sometimes I have to reach for the jokes…

 

We then get introduced to Tyrone, who is apparently a carbon copy of Clyde. Thanks for the clone. That was really necessary. Rainbow Dash races to the restroom with Tyrone shouting…

 

“Sheeeeeeiiit...” Tyrone said, as he watched her walk away.

 

…The hell was that?! …

 

Sheeeeeiiitt…”

 

Why the hell would you talk like this?! No wonder I can never understand what kids say now a days.

 

 

 

Anyway, we then get introduced to another character named Wahlburn. Seriously, this guy jams more characters into his story than King Mykan did. And that’s a feat in itself.

 

It turns out that Wahlburn is heavily addicted to weed and offers Spike some, which oddly enough he takes. God, you kept no part of how the characters normally act, did you? This is going to make this thing a nightmare to read.

 

Wahlburn is described as a heavy smoker, drinker and pretty much a druggy. I’m sure he feels right at home. He and Spike are commenting on the creepy old man they saw as they entered the town.

 

Wahlburn theorizes that he is a serial killer and Spike says this…

 

“If he is, I hope he kills Applejack and not me,” said Spike with a tint of pleasure.

 

Spike, you are a fucking piece of worthless shit and Wahlburn is even more insignificant!

 

We then get introduced to Jed, another character who everyone hates simply because he is gay. Yes, because being gay is a justifiable reason to hate someone! Getting to know someone before you judge them?! What a stupid concept!

 

 

 

We then have the gang gather at the bus and we are introduced to another character by the name of Cannon. Look, I was just kidding about the King Mykan thing, but Jesus he really does introduce more pointless characters than him! Here I was hoping I was done with that stupidity! It is revealed that Cannon is a Nazi, that somehow has no ill will towards Jews or other minorities, but as soon as you mention gays, he follows Himmler’s solution.

 

If you will excuse me, I am going to bang my head against this story in the hopes that some of my intellect will make it into this story, and make it less stupid!

 

 

So, it turns out that Poncho is still missing from the group, but as they stated, the group decides to leave him behind with Rainbow Dash deciding to break character (according to the magic fairy dust of “I’m the author and what I say goes, even if it makes no fucking sense”) and they leave Poncho alone in the town.

 

Yes, let’s leave our best friend in the city full of psychos, killers, rapist, druggies and muggers, I’m sure that will go over well…

 

THE FIRST FUCKING CHAPTER AND I ALREADY HATE THIS STORY!

We cut back to Poncho who discovers that he has been left behind by his friends. Dude, you seriously need some new friends, allow me to introduce you to these wonderful ponies that would love to help you…

 

 

 

Oh… wait. They’re a bunch of assholes in this story. Never mind.

 

Poncho goes into one of the stores to use a phone, when he is knocked unconscious by a man with a mask shaped like a bean. I have no idea how nobody manage to stop this masked man, considering Poncho was AT THE FREAKING BAR AND DIDN’T HAVE TIME TO REACT BEFORE HE WAS KNOCKED OUT! SECOND CHAPTER GUYS! AND I’M ALREADY USING CAPS LOCK!

 

Anyway, when Poncho wakes up, he meets a strange man named Xarlin, who manage to scare of the criminal with his “Remmington 870”. That is a shotgun for those of us who don’t know, making me wonder why he didn’t just call it a freaking shotgun! Also, Remington is spelled wrong. Wonderful, you can’t even get the name of the gun right!

 

The author seems to be going back and forth between stating who ponies are and who people are. Is this another human in Equestria story? Aw, screw it!

 

Poncho tries again to contact his friends, though I use the term friends lightly, in hopes that they will come back for him. Xarlin shows him the phone and Poncho calls another one of his friends, who we are just being introduced to, Patel.

 

Great, more characters I don’t give a shit about.

 

He is able to get in contact with Patel and Patel says that they are a mile down the road and that the bus has broken down. Poncho asks if they are going to be a while and Patel tells him that they could be there for a long time, telling Poncho to walk to them.

 

Or you know, Poncho could call the police and have them pick them up or help them out! Or call a repairman to help fix the bus! Or again, call the freaking police to have them deal with the criminals that attacked you!

So, Patel finishes his conversation by telling Poncho that they are all (even the main 6 apparently) are going to get high off weed. I can’t tell if the author is trying to be funny or if he is serious. Either way, it’s painful. Poncho hangs up and passes out.

 

He then appears… back on the bus? What the fuck?! The bus then crashes and erupts into a ball of fire, killing all of his friends.

 

And then he wakes up back in the convenient store. …

 

 

 

I don’t get it either…

 

So Poncho leaves the town and travels back up the road in the hopes of finding his friends.

 

We cut back to Poncho’s friends where the bus has broken down and after some needlessly mean-spirited making fun of the gay character… You know what? These characters are so bland, I’m not even going to bother remembering names. From now on I refer to these characters as thusly…

 

Poncho – The Dumbass

Wahlburn – The Druggie

Jeb – The Gay Pony

Everyone else – Stupids 1-6

 

(Honestly, everypony else is interchangeable)

 

So the characters do what they have done so far, get high and make fun of characters for being themselves. And it is as painful as you could imagine.

 

Meanwhile, the driver, who has a name, but frankly I don’t care, goes to check why the bus has broken down. I think maybe the bus committed suicide because it knew it was in a piece of shit story.

 

 

 

So we then get introduced to ANOTHER character, though by this point, you’re probably hoping this is a slasher fic, and all of them get to die soon. Really soon.

 

After that, they then drift to sleep. And what has this story done for us so far?

 

Anyway, morning comes and they look for the bus driver, who has mysteriously vanished. The Dumbass is peer pressured by his friends to go out and find him. We then get introduced to another character… Good fucking god, there is a trail of blood on the bus! And you want to stop all that for a character, who isn’t even worthy of telling us about in the first chapter! There is fucking blood on the fucking bus, you idiot! Show us that! Don’t tell us about another character! We have enough idiots running around without another one!

 

After being introduced to Stupid 8, Dumbass finally decides to go look for him. (And now you know why his name is Dumbass). After a few minutes, he finds a house with a spot of blood on the door.

 

They go inside and find that the house has been abandoned for years. They travel to the basement where they find the bus driver’s body.

 

He killed the best character in the story, within the first few chapters… Be very, very quiet. I’m hunting metaphors. It’s around here somewhere.

 

So, the group finds a shotgun on the body of the dead bus driver and notices that it is the same gun that Xaldir was wielding.

 

It’s Xarlin, sir.

 

Whatever.

 

The group decides to wait around the bus in the hopes of waiting out the killer. Um… Are you people fucking stupid?! This wouldn’t have happened if you had called a repairman! This wouldn’t have happened if you had called the police! And for that matter, Stupid number 3 has a fucking phone! He could call someone to come get them! Or he could call the police right now! He has service since Dumbass was able to call him back at the town! There is no reason why 9-1-1 wouldn’t work!

 

Oh, and I haven’t even begun to describe the terrible formatting for the story! This story is painful to read, with every paragraph smashed into each other.

Like this, see how difficult it is to read when the paragraphs are crunched together like this!
Sure makes it difficult to read, huh? Right now I’m just rambling so that I can prove a point and hopefully makes these paragraphs a little longer!
Have I proven my point yet?!

Then Rainbow Dash brings in the only logical thing this story has said so far.

 

“Why are we waiting in a bus when there’s a killer in the house fifty feet from us?” asked Rainbow Dash.

 

Hey, she’s got a point. Fortunately, for the characters, they agree with her and decide to pack up their things and rough it in the forest. They travel down the road, again, we’re ignoring the fact that they clearly had reception in that area before, unless the satellites hate these characters as much as I do.

 

So they decide to stop after Twilight sees a pattern in one of her books that matches one of the patterns seen in the house.

 

Convenient or Contrived, take your pick.

 

Twilight said she had seen them before… even though in the previous chapter Twilight didn’t mention them or even brought it up, but hey, I’ve given up at this point. Twilight reveals that the markings represent a cult called Phaselus Civilis. The legend says that if they run into one of these members then bad luck will follow you.

The others ask if any of them ran into one of these members, but nopony knows anything. Twilight then finds an envelope that contains a photo of… Oh, my god! The murderer killing the bus driver! … Who we already knew was already dead… Why is this shocking again?

 

The photo however does reveal that there was a masked man within it and that Dumbass had seen one of them before. Just as he is about to explain, they are attack by the cult. They get away but find out that several of their friends are missing, including Applejack, the Gay one and Stupids 2 and 4. I don’t care if you don’t know who Stupids 2 and 4 are, they don’t matter.

 

And if you don’t believe me, the author himself says that none of the other characters feel sorry that the characters are missing, including Applejack. Good fucking Christ! I know she’s not the most interesting character to you guys, but that’s no reason to absolutely hate her! It’s not like she goes around killing ponies and treats others like shit! Except in these kinds of stories apparently!

 

Finally, Twilight manages to talk some sense into the others and they agree to split up letting six of them hunt down the missing characters, while the others go and try to find help. So Stupid 3, Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Dumbass agree to go look for their missing friends. And why the hell is Rarity not going with them, since Applejack is her friend?

 

Oh, yeah! I forgot! This author doesn’t respect the character’s personalities in the show and doesn’t think they should be a portrayed as six friends, who together are a near unstoppable force based on trust and love for one another!

 

 

Not that kind of love!

So, I guess that the group looks around for the others (its written so poorly it’s hard to make out) but to no avail and make their way back to their old camp where Stupid 1 is waiting for them. However, the other members of his group are missing as they went ahead after he sprained his hoof.

 

Rainbow Dash volunteers to stay with Stupid 1, while the others go off to look for the others still missing, I think. I don’t know it’s very rushed pacing.

 

The others wander through the forest and find Stupid 3 impaled on a tree. They discover that the killer is, of course, the cult, whatever its name is. I just don’t care. I’m just waiting for them all to die so I can stop reading this.

 

They go back to Stupid 1 and Rainbow Dash and tell them about the death of their friend. Stupid 1 doesn’t take the news well about his best friend dying. Oh, yes. Truly you two were the best of friends. In honor of him, let us take the time to reflect on all the times you two spent together…

 

…

 

Wow, those were great times.

 

They hear some screeches and decide to get out of the area; because the dead body wasn’t a good enough reason, I guess. Leaving Stupid 1 behind, which just makes me hate this story more as the cult apparently kills him too. Gee, that was sure quick. I didn’t even get to know his name or anything about him. This is precisely the problem!

 

I don’t know who these characters are! I don’t care who these characters are! There is nothing any of them have said or done to make me invested in the characters! And if I’m not invested in the characters, then I’m not exactly sad when they die!  And if I don’t care about them, then why should I be reading about them?!

Seriously, I cared more about the bus that committed suicide then I do any of these characters!

We then cut to the secondary group where Spike and Druggie are arguing, as the author puts it,  pointless and irrelevant

 

Great words to describe this story!

Stupid 6 goes to find firewood when he is followed by Rarity. There’s some other stuff here, but frankly I don’t give a crap. Rarity reveals to Stupid 6 that she doesn’t want to hang around with a group of guys that she doesn’t know and do drugs.

 

Then why the hell did you decided to go with Druggie’s group and not with Twilight?! I’m thinking about naming you Stupid 9, Rarity.

 

So Stupid 6 puts his sweater on Rarity to protect her from the cold air. Five bucks says they have pony sex by the end of this. They start to carry on a romantic conversation, which goes by so fast you could barely tell they had it. Thanks for telling us all about their conversation, instead of actually showing us it!

 

They return to camp with the others passed out on weed and Rarity and Stupid 6 deciding to do the same.

 

We then cut back to our main group who are discussing what to do around a campfire.  And what does this scene do for us? I have no fucking idea. We aren’t developing our characters or our plot, so that makes this scene completely pointless.

 

We then cut back to our secondary group (seriously I’ve seen tennis games that go back and forth less than this) where Druggie and Spike, big shocker here, are getting high again. Is getting high their only personality trait? Because that is weak, weak, weak writing!

Druggie and Stupid 5 get into an argument, with Stupid 5 saying that he actually wants to make something of himself. And what exactly is that?

 

 

[i]“Well then fuck you, you chickenfucker!”[/i]

 

Hey, that’s not nice to say that about Scootaloo!

 

 

 

Oh, come on. I have to at least make one Scootaloo chicken joke in my career! Even though they aren’t funny.

 

So, the argument goes back and forth with the f bomb being dropped every other word, making me look like a saint by comparison. We then find out that Druggie was cheated on by the mare he loved. This would be a shocking and heartfelt revelation, if I actually gave a crap!

 

So the argument just … kind of stops, and Druggie and Spike go back to smoking weed. Gee, I wonder if Druggie’s past love will actually matter in the long term. I sure hope so. Otherwise, this scene would have been completely pointless!

Anyway, the main group finally meets up with the secondary group and everyone who the author actually gives a shit about is all here. And there is not a single one of them that I actually care about! Seriously, it’s pretty sad when standing next to the six main characters of the show, the bus is my favorite character, because it did the only thing smart in this story! Getting the fuck out of it!

They explain what happened to Stupid 3 and 1 and how they were still unable to find Applejack and the others.

 

“Shieeettt, now I’m da only brotha out here...” said Tyrone, “tha dude was fly.

 

What hell is that?! That isn’t even spelt the same as the last time you wrote it!

 

Spike stays completely in character with this line,

 

Let’s be frank, do we even really care about them?” said Spike, “I mean, what have they done that’s so important for us to save them?”

 

Yeah, Applejack never did anything for you, Spike. Not a single thing. She never saved you or helped you in any kind of way that you might owe her your life or something that proves she is a true friend and deeply cares about your wellbeing. Nope, not a single fucking thing. … By the way, explain this?

 

 

 

Yeah, how fucking dare she try to save your ass and put her own life in jeopardy?! How fucking dare she distract those beasts to chase after her so you can run for safety?! How fucking dare she show of how great she is by nearly dying, just so she could save your sorry excuse for a life?! How fucking dare her?! Clearly, Applejack is truly shit! She is truly the worst kind of pony that could ever exist in the history of existing ponies! Saving someone else?! Fuck that shit! Protecting those you care about?! What a stupid concept! Actually showing concern when someone needs your help?! Pfft, I scoff at the idea!

 

 

 

So, Twilight asks what the secondary group as done since they departed.

 

Absolutely nothing,” said Cannon

 

That’s an understatement.

 

Stupid 6 then explains to Twilight that Rarity was upset because the girls left her to find Applejack.

 

They volunteered, Rarity! They decided that they wanted to risk their lives to find their friend, you idiot! And they’re the villains?! What the fucking hell?! You know what? I am no longer referring to you as Rarity! From now on, you are Stupid 9, since you act nothing like the Rarity I love!

Just before they are about to turn in for the night, the cult attacks them.

 

Finally, the half-way point. Yes, this story has been shorter than others, but god does it feel like I’ve been reading this for years.

 

The group decides the best thing to do is to run away, but Twilight discovers that Stupid 9 isn’t with them. Stupid 6 tells Twilight that he will go get her, since he is her friend. Stupid 9 has been friends with Twilight for at least three seasons! And all of a sudden, this stallion, who she has known for all of 5 minutes, is suddenly more important to her than Twilight and the others!

 

And even if I were to buy that bullshit, they are being attacked by psychopaths that want to kill them! I think Stupid 9 would be willing to put aside her hatred against Twilight considering the circumstances!

 

And if you say that “Twilight might be trying to trick her” That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in the long list of stupid things I’ve heard!

 

So, Stupid 6 decides to let Stupid 9 sleep on his back while they run from the psychopaths…

 

 

 

This is it, everypony. This is the point where the author threw his hooves in the air and said, “Screw it, I don’t care.”

 

So, they start to retreat with Spike and Druggie running at the speed of an Olympic Sprinter due to their weed. Sure, I’ll believe whatever you want, if it ends this story quicker.

 

We then cut to the gay one and Applejack. Yes, they are still in this story… Lord knows they haven’t contributed anything so far. I think the author just found them as an excuse for more horrific death.  Applejack convinces the gay one to help her find the group. And the scene ends… Why was there a point to that scene again?

 

We cut back to the main group where we find that Dumbass has been shot in the leg. Stupid 6 comes over… Oh, wait sorry, “The strong, brave, heroic Stupid 6” as the story puts it. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say the author was trying to make the audience like Stupid 6, by telling us how “he is the greatest and he is the strongest, and kindest pony in the whole world”! While describing everypony else as, “Stupid, crybabies and retards”!

 

Because you told us how your character is SO much better than everypony else, it must be true! After all, you are the author and I HATE THIS STORY SO FUCKING MUCH!

The group is about to be attacked by the others when Applejack leaps out of the forest and disarms several of their pursuers.

 

Applejack gets blindsided by one of them as he points his gun for the killing blow. But the gay one runs in the middle of the shot, taking the bullet for Applejack.

 

Wow… That scene… So much emotion… So powerful… Jeb… Since you deserve your name… We will never forget your sacrifice that you made for Applejack. I never thought I’d say this about this story, but... That was actually kind of emotional. I mean, my god. Here is the story about a hidden friendship that nopony thought would ever happen. Only in death do they realize the true meaning of friendship. The potential character development that Applejack could possibly go though, it might actually be enough to keep this story a float! You did it! You actually got me interested in what will happen… Jeb, do you have any final words to your friend, who you sacrificed yourself to save?

 

"Bitch, are you kidding me,” said Jeb, coughing up blood. “I was just trying to run past you and get to the rest of the group. I was leaving you to die!" he shouted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! You did it! You fucking did it! You managed to take the only scene that I actually gave a shit about and you destroyed it! You destroyed it so badly that it wasn’t able to be recognized! You burned with acid and made sure that this scene rotted in hell for all of eternity! You stole any respect I had for this scene and your abilities of storytelling! Somebody kill me! Please, somebody kill me! End the madness! End the fucking madness!

So, Applejack regroups with the gathering of insensitive assholes and asks what has happened since they were separated.

 

“Nothing really,” said Cannon.

 

Dude! Like five ponies have died! And you call that nothing?!

They explain what happened to the others and travel along the road, impossibly finding themselves back at the house where the bus driver died. Were they just wondering in circles the entire time? I know they were in a forest and that they were being chased by psychopaths, but really?

“You have to be fucking kidding me!!!” yelled Wahlburn, “looks like we are all going to die after all."

 

We can only hope.

 

They find a mysterious message on the wall and Twilight picks a seemingly random book off the shelf and starts reading it, instantly finding the words she needs to translate it. Seriously, how is it that in a room with hundreds of books, Twilight has the power to instantly know what book she needs to read to get her answers?

 

Instead of getting out of the house of the people that are trying to kill them, they continue to investigate, hoping to find some clues. They find a map which reveals a series of underground tunnels when they are suddenly spotted by Xaldin.

 

 It’s Xarlin, sir.

 

Whatever.

 

He says that he was the one that killed the bus driver and that his members have taken the lives of the others. He captures the group and says that he is going to take them to his king.

 

The druggie tries to attack them, but it turns out they are illusions… Sure, why not? Makes about as much sense as the personality changing spell.

 

So, as I said before, Xavier.

 

It’s Xarlin, sir.

 

Whatever. Captures the group and says that he is going to take them to his king. Anyone else getting Deja vu?

 

The cult takes them into the tunnels and leads them to the king. The king who demands respect in his throne room! The king who murdered at least five ponies to achieve his end game! The pony named… Charles?... Seriously? Charles? Why don’t you just name him Bob or George? Those would be more intimidating names than fucking Charles?! Even your own minions laugh at your name!

 

“Sir,” said Xarlin, “wouldn’t it be better to actually use your official name? You know, to scare them off a bit? I mean Fabalis Rex sounds a lot more intimidating than...Charles.”

 

Thank you, Xuperman.

 

You’re not even trying anymore.

 

Computer, the author hasn’t tried for the past six chapter, why should I?

So, Charles tells them about the offer to join his group and when Xingledorf tells them that they are his prisoners, Charles acts thusly…

 

Damnit, Xarlin! You told me these were your friends, not enemies! Why would you do such a thing! I’m trying to make us look proper and intelligent, but you have to capture them? Well, I ought to banish you from our cult!” Xarlin put his head down in embarrassment. Charles looked back to the others and smiled, “Just kidding.

 

This story just took a bizarre 180 turn on me. Did I skip a chapter or something?

 

So, Druggie, being the ever loving genius that he is, insults Charles and Charles unleashes his son, who looks like an executioner from the dark ages. He even has a double bladed ax like one.  And it turns out the executioner is Charles’s son and he is named… Janice?

 

Pfft… seriously?! I know it’s immature but…

 

 

 

 

 

Janice flung his axe straight through the center of Walburn’s skull, leaving symmetrical halves of his brain lying on the extravagantly tiled floor of the throne room.

 

Holy shit!

Okay… um… I take back every hurtful thing I’ve said in this review. And not because there is a psycho who will kill me if I don’t.

 

So, I guess Druggie is dead and Charles decides to give them all a room to stay in. Oh, yeah. Let’s stay with the guy who is clearly a murdering psychopath! I don’t foresee anything going wrong there!

 

 

… Lead the way…

 

So, it turns out the rooms are actually prison cells. So… I guess they are prisoners, even though that Charles, clearly said they weren’t.

 

So the group decides to turn in for the night, feeling that whatever plan that Charles has for them, they won’t be able to deal with it until morning.

 

“Sheeeeiit...,” began Tyrone, “I wanted the bed.”

 

What is that?! What the freaking hell is that?! Why can’t you just say ‘Shit’?! Why can’t you talk like a normal person?! Why am I still reading this … SHEEEEIIIT?!

 

Poncho reveals that the dream he had. You know, the one dream that was completely forgotten up until now, actually revealed the order in which his friends died in. I’m not sure what this has to do with anything, but whatever.

 

Stupid 6 and Stupid 9 get in a cell together and they start making lovey to each other. Who beat against them? Cough up the money!

The next morning the guards come in and yell at our heroes, though I use the term heroes lightly.

 

“King Charles wants to see you and your friends, ASAP.”

 

No, hurry though! Take your time! We are in no hurry! Take as long as you need! Just whenever possible!

So, Charles inspects the group and tells Stupid 6 and Stupid 5 that they will be both used as special gladiators. Sure, whatever.

 

Charles says that he expects them both to fight to the death, but Stupid 6 isn’t having any of it. Fortunately, Stupid 5 stops him from getting himself killed. Or is it unfortunately? I can’t tell at this point.

 

Stupid 5 and Stupid 6 gather weapons and head for the ring. Why don’t they just use those weapons to take down the guards? Now, you know why they are all appropriately named Stupid.

 

They battle a liger, which I admit to being kind of a cool battle. They manage to kill the creature and are approved to live. Oh, glorious…

 

A week passes by with the two doing the same thing. I thought this was a horror-slasher story! When did this become Gladiator! Seriously, did I skip a chapter?

 

Seriously, why are you changing the genre on us?! You had set up a slasher story and had stuck with that for the majority of the story and now you are throwing in this ancient Rome style storytelling. Was the slasher part of your story too boring so you had to make up this new crap to try and entertain us? Just stick with one genre and go with it! That was established in the first 2/3s of the story! And now you want to change the entire premise?!

Meanwhile, Dumbass and the other two Stupids (with the exception of Rarity’s stupid clone) work in the mines as they are too weak to fight in the arena. Though it would be sort of entertaining to watch them get torn apart by some rapid beast… What?! I need something to entertain me over this story!

 

What happens to Twilight and the other girls, you ask? … Yeah, that isn’t made very clear. I’m guessing it has something to do with him sexually assaulting them (given this story it wouldn’t exactly surprise me), but that isn’t made clear. The most we get is,

 

Clyde asked Rarity one night if Charles had hurt her, or the others, and she replied that there was no harm to them on any accord.

 

So, I guess over the span of a couple of weeks Stupid 6 and Stupid 9 have become very close. And how have they become so close? The author said so that’s why! The author skipped over anything that might resemble them attempting to have a conversation! Thanks for showing us how they got so close to each other!

So the day comes for the final battle against the champion, Janice. Charles says that Stupid 5 and Stupid 6 don’t stand a chance, since Janice is immortal. Yeah, we’ll see.

 

Remember how much respect I had for the last fight scene? There is none to be had for this one, especially not after this stupid line.

 

Janice was yelling at the top of his lungs the greatest battle cry anyone there had ever heard.

 

How exactly was it the greatest battle cry I’ve ever heard? Was it like a thunderclap echoing in the distance? Did the earth shake beneath your feet as his booming voice roared throughout the stadium? Did it sound like this?!

 

 

So they fight for a while, with Janice finally getting the upper hoof. We are then described that the two Stupids were always good at setting up basketball alleyoops back home. Wow, I’m so glad we established that so early in the story. What was that like Chapter 1? And now 10 chapters later, it finally has a purpose? Well, it’s a good thing anyone who was actually reading didn’t forget that plot point that came up for… half a sentence? I mean, it was the thing that tied the story together! Without it, this story surely would have fallen apart! Surely this story could not have survived without that crucial element! I’m so glad that piece of plot came together at the end!

So Stupid 5 and 6 do their “special alleyoop move” and defeat Janice, killing him. What was that about immortal again? Why would you even bring that up if he wasn’t fucking immortal?! Was it to build tension?! You could have done that another way! Why not just say, “He has massacred armies that are more experienced than you!” Or “He single-hoofly tore off a dragon’s head!” That would have worked instead of killing something that you clearly established was immortal!

 

So, Charles is upset that his son is dead and he does his dramatic twist, I guess. How dramatic is this? You all saw this one coming. They have to fight each other to the death… I’m not doing the DUN DUN DUN video. It’s so obvious that I have no need for it. Hell, even the characters in the story knew this twist was coming.

 

Stupid 5 refuses to kill his friend, but Charles says he has no choice. Stupid 5 still refuses to fight and Charles says that he will kill his friends if he doesn’t. And then Stupid 7 is killed. Only a few more to go and I can move on with my life.

 

Stupid 5 says that he doesn’t know what to do, but Stupid 6, who had been unconscious up to this point, kills himself to save his friends.

 

I would say this was completely emotional, but this story already ruined it for me the last time it tried this, so you’ll forgive me if I’m not shedding any tears.

 

Tyrone walked up to the platform. “Sheeeit...

 

SHUT UP!

 

Anyway, the group says their goodbyes to Stupid 6 and we only have three Little Indian boys left… Sorry, little Agotha Christie there. Check it out, 10 Little Indian Boys or And Then There Were None. It’s a great read.

 

So, the characters decide that with Janice dead, they finally have a chance to attack and escape. Apparently, they are able to sneak past the guards, who are stupid enough to not be keeping a close eye on the guy who killed their former champion, but who cares?! The story is almost over!

 

But it turns out that it was all a trap! Wait what? You already had them in your mitts, you idiot! You let them out of your trap, just so you could trap them again! Who the fuck does that?!

Anyway, Xladamir, the third, attacks the heroes and stabs Stupid 5 in the gut. But, Stupid 5 has enough strength to stab his opponent in the gut as well. What is the point of all this? Well, it turns out that Stupid 5 has a master plan…

 

“My plan all along was to get him to stab me so I can hold him in place while you guys go after Charles. Now, if either of us move, the dagger will go in deeper...We are both going to, slowly, bleed to death.”

 

 

 

So, your big plan… is to die? Basically… your plan was to get him to stab you… so that you could bleed out and die? That is… the single dumbest plan I’ve ever heard! You were hoping that he would stab you?! You were hoping that you would have enough strength to raise your own weapon?! You were hoping that none of his men were able to get up and stab you in the back while you were defenseless?! What kind of a plan is that?! That’s more like a Leeroy Jenkins than an actually plan!

 

 

So, the two die as the others run off to fight Charles. They find him in a hidden room behind the throne room and discover that he is in the middle of a ritual. He reveals a magical staff that Twilight seems to know all about. Even though it was never mentioned in the story up to this point!

 

this staff is known as the Staff of Renascentia. With it, and the drainage of ALL my magical power, I can simply resurrect any being I want. With enough ponies, I can resurrect the same amount of dead beings as ritual participants. I should also mention that the being that gets resurrected will retain all memories, that is if the pony responsible of reviving that specific being remembers their last moment, words, or thoughts. They will have either a scar or pain in the area that killed them, but other than that effect, it’s basically a free resurrection.”

 

Wait… so, there is a staff that can raise the dead? And it is so unimportant that you couldn’t even mention it or hint at it before now?  Why does he have a staff that brings beings back from the dead? How does he know that it does that? If he has used it in the past, how does he still have his magical powers? What is he planning to sacrifice in order to resurrect his son if he has no magical powers to drain? Why are you going into full detail about the staff to the heroes? Why the hell were you crying and bitching about your son being dead if you knew that the staff was going to just bring him back to life?

 

These answers and more Twilight so curiously starts asking and we get this half-assed explanation.

 

“Ah. A very keen detail you noticed. I also forgot to mention another detail about this staff. When the ritual is complete, the participant, chooses the exact place and time to go back to before the being’s death. Basically, you go back in time and before you talk about paradoxes, only the participant will remember what happened. For example, if the ritual would take place now, only you all and myself would remember and all other beings that died, such as my good friend Xarlin, will remain dead. Now are there anymore questions?”

 

So, it’s not really a staff of resurrection, it’s more a staff of time travel. That still doesn’t explain how you are able to use it multiple times! If it drains all your magical energy, then when you catch up to the present you would still have no magical powers left, unless you sent the one from the past into the future, but that would mean any magical powers you had prior to the present would be nonexistent!  And why would it take away your magical powers, if it was just going to give them back to you?! This is the stupidest staff in existence!

So, Stupid 8, through the magic of who cares, steals a gun from one of the guards and shoots and kills Charles. Wow, that was underwhelming… Anyway, they get the staff and decide to use its confusing ass powers to bring somepony they care about back to life.

 

Please, let it be the bus! Please, let it be the bus!

So after touching the staff, they travel back to the bus, sending them back in time, essentially bringing everypony back to life and wasting my time!

 

 

 Everyone cheers and laughs. The audience cries, but not for the reasons the author intended. And look even the bus driver manages to come back to life!

 

 So they drive off into the forest hoping to find their way home, however they manage to get to a beach house somewhere. And our story ends with the bus driver looking at his GPS, saying that it took them to South Beach.

 

And … that’s it. The story just kind of ends. I don’t know if this was supposed to hook us in on the rest of the series, but it doesn’t. It just kind of stops without anything to hook us. Maybe South Beach is a famous place or something, but to me, that just means it’s a beach in Miami. And if that’s all I get from this, why should I read the next story?

 

 

 

Hell, why should I have read this story in the first place?! I’m not familiar with the slasher film formula, but is everyone that dies in a slasher movie so damn unlikable? Is that common? Are you always rooting for the monster to eat everyone or the killer to murder the main characters?

 

This story kind of starts off as this slasher story, but then it takes a weird ass turn into a gladiator fate of the world story, instead of just a survival horror story. And neither one of them is very good. The majority of the characters are so mean-spirited that it makes it hard to connect and sympathize with them. I felt no emotion over the death of these characters, because we were never given enough time to know them.

 

Other than Druggie, I don’t know anything about them! Why? Because they were not important enough for me to give a crap about! You have to make your audience sympathize and care about your characters! If you can’t do that, then the story falls apart.

 

And for a story called the Poncho Chronicles, Poncho doesn’t do anything! Poncho wasn’t the one who fought in the gladiator tournaments! He wasn’t the one who discovered the cult! He wasn’t the one who fell in love with Rarity and he wasn’t the one who defeated the villain! He didn’t do anything, but whine about his life being so miserable! He’s the title character! That’s like calling a book Harry Potter, but having Neville Longbottom do all the work!

 

And furthermore, what was the villain’s goal here? He was just so damn one dimensional! The villain didn’t seem to be interested in anything or have any goals or anything he wanted to do. He just seemed to be evil just… well, because. There is no backstory about the character, no greed, no misguided sense of justice, no reason he is after this group of ponies, and no reason for this character to even exist, making him completely forgettable!

 

The plot is all over the place. It has no idea if it wants to be a slasher or an adventure and ultimately, it fails on both accounts. This story had potential. The idea was a solid one. The main six and some others are in the middle of the woods with a killer after them. But it was completely undermined by the terrible characters, the mean-spirited tone, and the fact that there was some never fully explained bullshit about their personalities and abilities that ruined the entire thing! The ending is a rushed mess and it’s just so uninvesting.

 

There is only one word that can properly describe this story.

 Sheeeeeeiiit..

That’d be the one. Have a great day guys.